Fear and Loathing
by NationalAnthem
Summary: AU where Bella never dated Edward and she doesn't know of vampires. Leah and Jacob are not-so-friends with benefits and what happens when she is sent to the Cullen's to scare Tanya out? Will Edward grow a little attraction for the she-wolf? T for swearing and suggestive themes.


_**Fear and Loathing**_****

Full description: Leah has a not-so-friends with benefits with Jacob. She doesn't want romance or a relationship. So what happens when she's sent to the Cullens to scary away Tanya and a certain vamp takes a liking to her?

In this story Bella doesn't know about vampires and never dates Edward.

xXx

1. No feelings.  
2. No hanging out outside of the bed.  
3. No sharing a blanket.  
4. No telling anyone.  
5. When one if us is done, it's over. Forever.  
6. No talking about anything except sex.

Those were the rules, I played them in my head as I walked into his house, and I went up into his room.

It was dark, and I had snuck out, didn't want Seth to hear me sneak out. Technically, I could come and go as much as I fucking want, but under mom's rules, I couldn't.

Rules, rules, and more fucking rules.

The word was starting to piss me off. I remembered this morning when I woke up freezing and grabbed the blanket from him and he mumbles, "Rule number 3, Lee."

That's ridiculous. I'm not worth so much as getting a blanket to that asshole, but here I was in his doorway, again. I whispered, "I hate you, you know that?"

I could hear the smile in his voice, "I know." Dick. He cleared his throat and I pulled off my shirt, walking over to the bed that held my latest mistake.

Jacob Black.

...

I didn't love him, never would. We weren't even friends. We'd just fuck and I'd go home. I dont care. It's all the rules though, it's like he's ashamed of me. Which is idiotic. That asshole made me hide under his bed once.

He's lucky the pack mind has gotten better with everyone hiding all their crap, and I guess it is best not everyone, including my brother, knows what my lady harp looks like. I'd die of embarrassment.

Instead of knowing this and running, I have sex with him and fall asleep.

I wake up first. Then Jake wakes up, farts, and I luckily got my extra blanket on me, so I can hide from it.

He acts like I'm nothing, farting and burping around me, even taking a shit with the door open while I'm getting dressed to leave.

I fight back, I don't look nice for him, don't wake up beautifully. F that! I slide out of the bed and get dressed, I make sure to let out a little fart as I stretch and he lets out a frustrated growl and I smirk.

Once I'm dressed, I jump out of the window and run home.

It's sad, windows are doors for me now. My house, assholes house. Doors are like, foreign land for me. My mom has me go get groceries out of the car and I swear I almost forgot which way to turn the knob and I couldn't help but think, sarcastically, "You don't go out the window for everything? Wow."

Now I'm in a bad mood, seriously, it's like Jay and I having sex is war, and we both use secret tactics to fuck each other over.

I left some tampons at his house once, even though I'm never there on my period.

I get home, Seth thinks I woke up early and went running, but my mom gives me the eye. It makes me more mad, so I just go into my room and fall asleep.

I'm exhausted when Seth wakes me up later, "Meeting with the pack." He's shaking me wildly, I must've been dead for a little bit there. But I get up, groan, I hate pack meetings. It's just all the guys grunting at the bullshit Sam blows out of his huge mouth. Then Jake or Seth don't even look at me. Seriously, I'm that much of the pack loser?

Jay could at least be my friend, but oh wait, rule number 1, blah blah blah. I look in the mirror and I look like shit, but I don't care, so I smooth my hair out and wipe away the black smudge under my eye. Then I'm heading out, getting nude, and phasing. It feels good to be a wolf and run, I love it.

I take the long way to Sam's, getting there late, just to piss Sam off. The sky is tinged orange and I love it when it's like this, glad I slept through the rest of the stupid day, it's not like I had to do anything.

Then Paul's in my head, "Hurry up!"

I snorted, "Almost there, Fido, calm down."

Paul phased out and I got there, phasing back into human form and going to grab the clothes I set in my secret hiding spot. Instead of my clothes, there was a note,  
"Dearest Leah, this is for the trick you pulled the other night."

I growled. Jacob! Well, I wasn't afraid of the boys, so I covered my breast and lower bit with my hands, and walked right up to the door way of Sam's.

They all turned to me, most of them widened there eyes, Rachel giggled, and Sam just rubbed his temples. "Someone," I look at Jay, "stole my fucking clothes."

I saw Emily scurry into her room, then back out with a dress, and she stuck her hand out. I bit it and walked into the nearest bathroom to change.

When I got in there, I laughed to myself loudly. When I walked out, Jake looked mad and I laughed at him. He looked up. "Guess things didn't go as you planned, Jay?"

"Don't call me that." He turned red.

"Sure thing, Jay." He just stomped off like the bitch he was.

Rachel was laughing, still, so I walked over to her and yelled, "Tada! Presenting nude LEAH!" Then I held my arms out. Paul gave us a weird look.

Rachel just giggled, "You should've saw their faces when you walked out. Half of then were about to pass out, because they saw your nipple. Sam was all like," then Rach cleared her throat like thirty times.

"The fuck? They act like they haven't seen a naked woman before." Rachel nodded and Kim came up to us.

"Leah, stop these childish games!" She tried to keep a straight face, but then she high-fived me, "Priceless."

Paul finally walked over, "You guys are like 3 teenage boys." Then he laughed.

Sam was pouting in the corner, so I lost the group and went over to him, "Sorry dude, but you gotta admit it was hella funny."

Sam smiled a little, "If I wasn't our leader I would have laughed."

"I guess that's good enough." Then I walk away.

I'm pretty fucking happy right now, I saw my friends, and there is still no awkwardness or hatred between Sam and I, but then Jay walks up and I frown. "Bitch." Then he walks away again.

What the fuck? I just laugh at him, but seriously, that was annoying. Now I'm in a bad mood again.

Then Sam calls the meeting, and we all gather round. "Then Cullen's," I hear everyone grumble, including myself, "they are having some issues with their friends, and they need a wolf to stay with them to repel the thing away with our smell. Any takers?"

I think of that movie, Failure to Lauch, then laugh.

Sam looks at me and starts talking again, "Since Leah can be the most obnoxious and annoying, we are sending you."

I sit up to start yelling, but Jake is smirking so I don't give him that, I just mumble, "I do like to annoy. So cool."

Jay frowns, I'm winning.

"Then you are going over there now," Sam says, "I had your mom already pack for you."

I shrug, go outside, phase and run, phase back, and scream. The Cullens!

xXx

I'm there twenty minutes later, the one with long brown hair smiles at me. "Make yourself at home, Leah." I cannot make myself at home in this smell.

"Where's my new friend?"

The blonde female walks in, "She's in the living room."

I walk into the room, seeing a little blonde on the couch and the ginger vamp is trying to push her away. They look at me, and I smirk and sit right next to her, stretching out and saying, "Sup?"

She looks a bit green, then storms off, and ginger kid giggles, then turns to me, "I'm not a ginger." Oh, this ones the mind reader, "Yes, I am."

"Cool." I actually don't give a flying fuck, but I'd at least better be nice to these people. They are letting me sleep inside.

This big burly one comes in, "What's up with Tanya?" Then he's sees me on their couch, "Oh."

Damn, I would expect these bloodsuckers to hide in there rooms all day, but really they are all around having 'family time' after about 100 years, I'd propbably get enough family time.

Ginger whispers to me, "I feel that way, but they think I'm depressed if I don't."

"Sucks for you." Why does he think I want to talk to him? He just scoffs. I smirk. Big vamp sits next to me, he keeps looking over at me and laughing, "What?"

"I heard what you did to Tanya. You're very interesting, wolf."

I accidentally let out some attitude, "What made you think I gave a fuck?"

He gasps, then laughs, "This is gonna be fun."

I sigh, tired of sitting between them, and move to another seat. Gingy then follows and takes my bag, then runs into another room.

I sigh. This will be interesting. The short one walks in with a human girl and I hear Edward groan. I look over and it's Jake's obsession, little Bella Swan.

Bella smiles at everyone, even me, "Oh, hi! Who are you?" Alice looks at my hatefully. What?

"Leah." I'm not the one for words right now. Bella stands there awkwardly, and I don't hate her so I mumble, "Nice to finally meet you, Bella."

She looks better after that, "How do you know me?"

"I'm a friend of Jacob's," then she looks sad, "Just a friend."

She looks up at me and I wink at her. Short vamp looks happier with me. Bella looks like she lost millions of pounds off her shoulders. Her and Jacob would look good together, it makes me happy and angry. I don't love Jacob, just maybe possessive. It's my bitch personality.

Instead of scaring her, I head over to the room the mind raper put my shit in. I decide it's time for a nap, so I go to bed.

xXx

I wake up to a call, I lean over to where Gingy put my bag and dig for my phone, I answer it, "What?"

"Nice. Still alive?"

"What do you want, Jake?"

"Let's have phone sex, I'm horny." Wow, what an idiot.

"Fuck you, I'm in a house full of vamps, so I'm not having phone sex with you. BYE." I'm awake now, about to go out, but first I text Sam, 'Names of the vamps?'

He replies quickly, 'Dad- Carlisle. Mom- Esme. Mind reader- Edward. Short one- Alice. Big one- Emment. Blondie- Rosalie.'

I don't reply, instead I leave my room to hear Emment laughing. "What?"

"Someone called you for phone sex?"

"Yeah," I'm never very shy, "So what?"

He laughs a little more, "It's just, nothing like that happens here, you are already making things fun."

"Whatever. Where the fuck is this bitch I gotta freak out?" I won't admit it to anyone, but this vamp, Emment, is kinda fun.

He points me to another room and I walk into there, Tanya is in there with Edward as he hunches away from her. He tells her, "No, Tanya." Then they look at me.

I stand there for a moment, feeling a little awkward, but I got to do my job so I can get outta this vamp farm, "You aren't very bright, Ed."

Tanya scoffs, "You have interrupted, wolf, leave."

This no good snob thinks she better than me, "Well, bloodsucker, you sure know how to cramp someone's style."

"You think I care about your 'style'?"

"You must enough that you cramp it." I smirk.

If she could, she would've turned red, "This conversation is pointless!"

I come up with a witty comeback, but push it away, time to annoy, Leah, not destroy. "You're pointless."

She is about to explode, so she walks out, mumbling, "You stink," as she leaves. Wow, classy, bitch.

"Hey Edwhored, you can't keep the ladies of you, can you?" I see he has forgotten me and started reading, I'm mad. No 'thank you'?

He looks over at me, "What did you call me?"

"Edwhored."

"Wow." He must be to 'chivalrous' for 'petty' chat with a wolf, so he leaves.

I fucking love this job, so I laugh a little and walk out. I smell food, so I go to the kitchen. Bella is eating in there, and Esme smiles, then setting a plate of homemade pizza for me. I moan, "Yum. Thank you!" Bella just stares at her food intently, "What's up, Swan?"

"Uh...I don't know." She sure is a quiet one.

"Come on. What's up?" Seriously, this girl is giving her food the eye.

"I just...I heard Jake called you asking for phone sex."

I suddenly feel bad and I don't know why, "I seriously have nothing going on with Jake, he didn't want me to tell anyone, but we are like friends with benefits, without the friends."

"Uhm...okay."

"We are just benefits, and if you and him were together I'd back off. I'm not lying when I say that asshole is into you."

She brightens up, "Really?"

I just stick a bite of pizza in my mouth, "Mhm."

She finishes eating, calls out, "Bye Esme!" And leaves.

"The fuck?"

Esme smiles at me, I like her. She's nice. "Thanks or the delicious meal, Momma Vamp."

She looks at me, confused. "You're welcome?"

"When you get a nickname that means I like you." Then she smiles again. Good fucking God, when the hell did I become Santa? Spreading cheer and shit.

Tanya walks in, sees me, then walks out. Its comic gold and I actually really like it here. Minus the smell.

xXx

They let me leave, so I go fuck around with Jake and then go to the bar. I like alcohol, no harm.

Seth says I have a problem and so I drink it away. I don't have a problem.

Some guy is sitting next to me and I want to tell him everything, "I don't have a problem." He walks away, "Wow. So cute."

I fall off my stool and I feel a nice hand on my leg, "I like you!" I look at the face that the hand is on, it's a boy I think, "You're cute. Everyone is cute." My head is spinning, I want to dance to catch up with it, "Let's dance."

I take the hands dancing with me. Then I'm in the air, leaving the bar, "Time to go home, Lee."

"Home is good, but I want more drinks." I see a bottle and grab it. "This is mine."

I start drinking out of it, "Put that down."

I ignore that voice, it's cold outside and and I want some food. I'm barely buzzed. "More booze! What the fuck?" The face is funny, I stroke it. Wow, that's funny, I laugh.

The car stops, I'm pulled out, "I don't wanna get out! Take me back! FUCK THE POLICE." I don't want to die, but I'm tired of kicking so I go to sleep. "Grass is nice."

xXx

I wake up in my bed at the Cullens. I don't know what happened last night and my head hurts faintly. I walk out and notice no one is there. I decide on snooping a little. Walking upstairs, I hear music, some sappy classical crap. Edward's door is open so I look in.

"You're awake finally?" Edward's back is still turned to me.

"It's funny to see you without Tanya drooling over you." I decide to patronize the poor ginger.

"You are quite rude, dog."

"So?"

He finally turns around, "It's annoying, and I've never been so annoyed before."

"Guess I bring that out in certain people." I shrug, "Why do you listen to this music?"

"Why do you drink so heavily?" Wow, he's as bad as Jake.

"Guess some questions are better unanswered, Ed," I retort. Then realize he must've been the one to pick me up last night.

"I was, and you reeked of sex." That's annoying. Get out of my sex life. "Oh, the tables have turned. I annoy you now, wolf girl."

"Guess so, Edwhored. So what's your deal with Bella?"

"I liked her at first, but realized it was just an obsession. Now she loves me."

"Cool." I sneak over to his stereo and turn off the music.

"What makes you think you can come in here and do that?" He puts his hands on his hips like a girl.

"I don't look like a girl!"

"Could've fooled me," I snicker. Stupid vamp, letting me get to him.

"Nor am I stupid."

"Okay, bloodsucker, I'll stop." I control my laughter, "Where is everyone?"

"Hunting."

"Interesting."

"Will you leave now?"

"Will you make me something to eat?"

"You can't cook?"

"No."

He groans and walks out, so I follow him to the kitchen. Ed does his weird vampire speed thing and makes me a sandwich. "Thanks, Ed."

Edward is suddenly very close to me, it bothers me, "Don't think I am such a sap that I won't get you."

"Your anger kinda arouses me, so come on Edwhored, throw this dog a bone." I watch his face contort into confusion, "GOTCHA ED!"

He actually laughs and the sound really is attractive. He eyes me and walks away. Dafuq?

xXx

**I did a horror story and adventure. Now I'm trying comedy. Review.**

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